If I am honest…
a poem to share about how COVID-19 has affected me…
If I am honest
I have to admit that I liked it when it was quiet
and the world as we once knew it was slowing down and closing down,
and the noise in the streets were less.
If I am honest
I have to admit that I’m nervous about the world coming alive again
and the noise
and the people
and the consumerism
and the lots and lots of things opening and bustling and being in your face again.
If I am honest
I have to admit that I have enjoyed this time of inwardness,
for I like my own space and the fact that I have been given permission not to outwardly socialise has been at times a lovely relief.
For if I am honest
I find it hard to socialise to do the small talk and chatter,
for I prefer real chats and heart connection, and fears and loves and passions.
For if I am honest
I love learning about the soul of a person and what makes them tick and laugh and cry and get angry and deeply feel.
However, if I am honest I also have to admit that I’ve missed seeing my dearest family and friends for I am a hugger and find that sometimes it is the hug that gives more than words.
hugging -
soothing
healing
simple
wordless
~~~~~~
If I am honest
I have to admit that I love the cooler and shorter days and the unspoken permission to go to bed early with a book or a journal or a mind full of dreams (or worries, to be sorted and sifted in the depth of the stillness!)
And as I am being honest,
I would prefer that my shoulder was better and that my movement wasn’t so rigid and that the pain wouldn’t travel down my already wobbly wrist,
and that my Dad wasn't getting older and that his health was stronger. And yes, if I am honest I am not ready to lose another parent - not this year or next year or the next-after-next-after-next year.
If I am honest
I feel that my smile does this funny upside down turn and I feel my muscles like holding it there rather than the upside-up way of being,
and when this happens my upside-down-smile makes me upside down on the inside and the colours on my palette of life is all splotched and messy and my inner garden is like a wirly-twirly-swirly-inside-out-mess.
And if I am honest
I love to weep and cry and let it come from my belly and imagine I’m howling at the moon or the sun (or in the shower!)
for I like the relief that it gives my cells
and the big sigh
ahhhhhhhh,
that comes somewhere deep inside.
Yes, if I am honest
I love going for walks in my inner landscape exploring that which has yet been explored,
even sailing beyond the shore of what I thought was true,
for if I am honest I love the adventure of finding the wisdom that hides in places I once feared to tread.
~~~~~
And if I am honest,
I love that my raven hair is now beginning to turn grey and that these grey white feathers are shining through
For if I am honest
I love getting on in years for there is more peace in my heart and a different bounce in my step,
For finally I have accepted that my way is unique and the colours I have to offer the world - even when my palette is splotched and messy - is prefect and special and magical.
For if I am honest
it IS my uniqueness that makes me smile too.
ahhh,
If I am honest….
and if I am honest I know there is probably more to say,
yet right now it’s done
and done is done
is done!
Honesty.. makes the breath smile and the exhalation real.
post script:
Why did I chose this photo? - in being honest we are both vulnerable and strong like a new shoot bursting from the seed. We are unsure who will hold us and support us, love us and nurture us in our most honest moment.
And in being honest we are as exquisite as the dew drop that shimmers and holds itself so beautifully.
My dear friend, in your honest moments this week, I hope you had the support you needed to be as vulnerable and as courageous as you like, so that you can grow and become more exquisite with each and every breath.
Honesty is vulnerable, courageous and exquisite.